As Beautiful As Days Can Be
by Allybally
Summary: 15loveficShe wonders when they missed it. Somewhere in between tennis matches and classes and brief stints with other people only really intended to make the other jealous anyways, they missed their chance.


_As Beautiful As Days Can Be_

_My sorrow, when she's here with me,  
Thinks these dark days of autumn rain  
Are as beautiful as days can be _

Robert Frost, "My November Guest."

Cody stares at the boxes in her room. She stares at her bare bed, stripped of the covers hours before. She stares at the blank, white walls that not long ago held photos; snapshots of her happiest memories frozen and displayed for her to cherish. It doesn't matter where she looks because she can't evade the feeling of sorrow that is slowly yet surely threatening to wash over her.

She knows she should talk to him, and what's more, she knows she wants to. But she's afraid. Which is weird, because out of all the people she's had in her life she's never been afraid to talk to him. She's afraid of what he'll make her feel; afraid that he'll look at her with those sad, blue eyes that he knows she's never been able to resist and she'll be overcome with guilt. Which isn't even fair, really. She's allowed to move back in with her mother, allowed to go back to her friends, her old life. When she first came to Cascadia, she knew it would only be temporary anyways. She knew that after a few months, when her parents' divorce had settled down and she and her mom were ready to talk, not scream, that she'd go back. And sure, maybe a few months turned into two years, but still. Temporary.

She knows she'll find him at the beach. Ever since that night barely a month after she arrived, it was always at the beach. It was almost like some kind of unspoken agreement between the two of them; if you need me, I'll be at the beach. And she hates it, now. Hates it because it's one more thing that she has to let go of. Because even if she knew it was only temporary and she knew she'd be leaving eventually that doesn't make it any easier.

As Cody walks through the grounds she wishes she had brought her jacket. There's no wind but it is, after all, autumn and it's hardly t-shirt weather anymore. It is forgotten, however, when she looks up to the school and she realizes there are a lot of things she hates. She tries her hardest to feel something other than resentment at the school and the people in it, but she can't. She hates how miserable they all made her feel when she first got here. She hates Meghan and Sebastien for leaving because they were the first people who even thought of being nice to her and then they just disappeared. She hates Tannis and Cameron for making everything so much more complicated than it was when Megs and Seb were around. Maybe it was because of the grief they were all dealing with or maybe it was because they were all growing up but when those two showed up things changed. And she hates that after a little while they had made her forget about her other life. The life she had been so determined to return to. She had been set on being miserable for a few months and then going back home, but they had ruined all that. And what she really, really hates is that after all the hell they put her through, every time she thinks of leaving them she feels a lump in her throat and it's all their fault.

She wishes she could have had something with Squib. She knows that it's a silly schoolgirl crush and sooner or later it will probably blow over, but still. She knows they fight all the time, but it's the very fact that they _could've_ been great, had they just taken the stupid chance, that really gets to her. This was the boy whom she spent two years of her teenage life practically worshiping. The boy who she's hated and loved and despised and adored, sometimes all at once. And they went through all the crap and pain and played their silly game of 'almost kisses' and for what? For nothing, because now she's leaving. And it's that cruel, bitter irony that makes her want to laugh and cry and do a million other things she can't even explain.

As soon as her feet hit the sand, she sees him. He's facing the water, skipping stones as usual. It's not like two years ago when he couldn't find the perfect rock and she had to show him; by now he's mastered the technique. He doesn't need her help anymore.

She wonders when they missed it. Somewhere in between tennis matches and classes and brief stints with other people only really intended to make the other jealous anyways, they missed their chance. And every day they told themselves they still had tomorrow, but what now? The startling thought that despite how perfect everyone said they were and how much they cared for each other, still care for each other, they never got anywhere is creeping up on her and she doesn't know if she can take it.

She wants to say something, but she can't because all she can think of is 'hey', which is definitely not appropriate. It's easy to convey the million emotions she's feeling into a single word, she's seen him do it many times before, but 'hey' is not one of those words. So as soon as it leaves her mouth she feels stupid.

He takes an absurdly long time to answer, his gaze fixed on the water and the stones that skip across it, but when he does speak, he simply repeats her and they're both a little disappointed.

"Do you have a match today?" She wonders why it's important because it never has been in the past. But for some reason she needs to know. She _needs_ to.

"Not today. Tomorrow, but not today," he answers. She nods.

"Are you guys doing the card thing tonight?" She knows she's just being pathetic now, but she can't help it. This silence is going to eat her alive. He just shrugs, though, and it's up to her to continue.

"Don't be mad," it comes out as more of an order than a plea.

"I'm not," he assures her. Good, she thinks, now tell me you'll miss me. But again, he's silent.

"When do you have to leave?" He asks, finally.

"Soon," she informs him, and he nods. She wonders if he really cares about when she leaves or if he's just making small talk. She mentally shrugs. It's all the same to her now.

"I wish you wouldn't," he confesses and she realizes that this is going to be one of those rare moments where he tries to let her in on his emotions. She really wishes he wouldn't, not now of all times.

"Yeah, well…" She can't think of anything better to say. He finally pulls his eyes away from the lake, fixing them instead on her. They both have slightly pensive looks on their face, but neither can say anything. She realizes that they've never spoken to each other without the intent to joke, tease, and sometimes (more frequently in recent months) hurt. And now they don't have time to learn.

So instead he grabs her in a kiss that she knows is meant to bruise, but it's alright. He has every right to be angry with her, even if he denies it, and she accepts it. As the two sink down to the sand, she wonders if this is horribly cliché or uniquely their own. When his lips move to her neck she decides she doesn't care because it's all over now, so it doesn't really matter anymore. It's gentle (except for when he bites her collarbone) and soft (except for when she scrapes her fingers down his spine) and yet afterwards they're both left unfulfilled. They both know it's because they'll never get to do that again. They have nothing to look forward to.

As she slips her clothes back on, shaking sand out of her new jeans, she finds herself wishing they hadn't. Because it wasn't supposed to happen like that. It wasn't supposed to be something desperate; they weren't supposed to do it because she was leaving and they were grasping at straws.

"I'll call," she says, once they're both dressed. She doesn't even know why she says it, because she knows she won't. As much as the thought of not speaking to him kills her, the thought of being able to hear his voice but not be with him kills her even more so she chooses what she sees as the lesser of two evils.

"Good," he gives her a slight nod, but from the look in his eyes she can tell he doesn't believe her. They stare at each other again, but this time the moment doesn't last quite as long, because they both know it's useless. They can't prolong this forever.

She wishes it would rain, or storm or that at least the wind would blow. Something to signify how dramatic it all is; The Parting of Cody and Squib. But there's nothing. The waters' calm and the sky is grey and the trees are all an ugly brown colour. She wishes for _something_ to make this different from every other day they've stood here on the beach. Because it is, in every possible way. And they both know that, but outside there is no proof.

"When do you have to leave?" He asks again, but this time her answer is different.

"Now."

He nods, but it's him who moves to walk away, not her. Just before he passes her, though, he stops, directly in front of her. He takes a piece of her hair in his hands and tucks it behind her ear before walking away.

And in that moment Cody sees the sky and the lake and the trees and she feels things she can't even describe.

It's enough.

It has to be.

_A big, huge thanks to candybrowneyez for reading this over for me! And whether you guys love it or hate it, please let me know, because I've never written one quite like this before and I would love some feedback on it._


End file.
